"So then, like, I hit the fucker in the nuts," Cath said, voice casual Valley. Mathew continued to listen with fascinated horror. "And, you know, he went tumbling down, at which point I totally pulled out the pepper spray."

"And what happened next?" he couldn't help but prompt.

"I called the cops, of course," she replied, peering at her handheld mirror and patting her hair into a slightly better position. "But not before putting a few more kicks in, you know, where they do their best."

Mathew nodded, waving a hand for her to continue. She did, all bright smiles and bubbly voice. Her make-up was perfect and ate the pizza with a fork and knife. The next boyfriend story was even worse.

This was quite possibly the best blind date ever.