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Title: Dean Won't Be Your Angel Condom [also at AO3 & DW]
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Castiel/Dean, Gabriel/Sam.
Spoilers: Blanket S5 spoilers.
Warnings: None.
Word Count: 1107 words
Summary: It's Gabriel's fault. (It's always Gabriel's fault.)
Notes: This is the last day of Five Days of Tuesday, the bonus day! The canon of this being possible is of such dubious question (to the point of it not being in question at all) that all I can really tell you is to just roll with it for cracky deliciousness. This was my safety net story, which I ended up needing to use after all, because ~Sam and Castiel's Amazing Adventure~ is far from being finished. Enjoy!




It's Gabriel's fault. (It's always Gabriel's fault, except when it is Sam's fault, especially considering he got Gabriel on board Team Free Will in the first place, and very, very occasionally Castiel's fault, which is always, as far as Dean's concerned.)

They're taking another stab at parleying with the angels through the intermediary of Zachariah the asshole ambassador, Gabriel there to wave his archangel wand and smite the shit out of Zachariah if he tries anything. The meeting time is ass o'clock in the morning despite Dean's hangover, because the world hates him, and at least the meet's in a motel room, which means if things don't go horribly, horribly wrong, Dean might be able to catch some sleep, or at least lie down a few minutes. Dean's not holding out hope.

Gabriel's apparently not a morning person either or he's just plain tired of Zachariah's bullshit. Dean's sick of it, too, but before he can say something witty, cutting, and totally bad-ass, Gabriel decides to cut the tension—or rather, make it explode—by making a joke about how Michael wants to use Dean as an angel condom. And it's not like Dean hasn't made that same damn joke before, but it is just not on.

"Dean," Zachariah says, sounding like Gabriel just pissed in his cheerios, "will do what is necessary."

"What do you think, Dean?" Gabriel turns, smirking. "Going to lie back and think of queen and country?"

"The only angel putting his dick in me here is Castiel," Dean says, before he can stop to let his brain consult with his mouth about not completely boning him, like his mind tripped and fell over the bottles of Jack he drank last night.

"Righ—" Sam starts to agree with him, it seems, on 'fuck you' tone alone, but pulls up immediately to say, "Wait, what?"

"What your face," Dean mutters. "No angels are getting anywhere near my ass or any other part of me," Dean says firmly.

Gabriel, meanwhile, looks absolutely delighted, like Dean has thrown Christmas in July just for him. Turns out he's a morning person after all. "Except our dear brother Castiel, you mean."

And Cas is doing that head tilt thing, like he is both confused and intrigued, as he says, "I hadn't realized it was a possibility."

"No one," Dean says, and his brain is still scrambling to catch up, because it takes him a moment to ask, "Wait, you'd be interested?"

Castiel opens his mouth, but whatever he was planning to say is drowned out by Zachariah making what are probably the most horrified noises in angel history. "We don't lower ourselves to such—such—"

"I seem to recall some Biblical lowering," Sam says in a tone that indicates he regrets even bringing it up, but his inner pedant can't help it.

"And I believe I've already been cut off from the Host," Castiel puts in mildly.

Dean can't believe that somehow they've gone from Round 2,734,363 of how he is not going to be Michael's vessel to discussing his non-existent angel sex life, all while Dean is still hungover.

"You wouldn't actually—" Zachariah begins, just as Gabriel sidles toward Sam and seems about to make a crack about his willingness to do some Biblical lowering of his own, and Dean's head feels like a male jackhammer and female jackhammer are having little jackhammer babies inside his skull.

"No," Dean says. "No, we are not discussing this," he tells Zachariah and Sam and Gabriel, "and no, we are not doing this here," he tells Castiel, who looks like he wants to press forward with this conversation regardless of audience, "and no, I am not letting Michael put his angel dick in me," he tells the world at large, because it hasn't seemed to sink in yet.

"Now, unless someone wants to help me with my hangover, you are all getting the fuck out of my motel room, and I am going back to sleep." Matching words to action, Dean throws himself on the bed and places a pillow over his head.

"It's my motel room, too—" Sam begins, but Dean just takes the pillow off his face long enough to glare. Sam throws up his hands and starts gathering his shit—jackets, keys, laptop.

Zachariah gives him one of those "You will give in someday" looks and disappears. Gabriel smirks at Sam and says, "Let's go somewhere more private and talk about Biblical lowering."

"No," Sam says, making his way out of the door, and Gabriel shrugs.

"Your loss." He's gone almost before he's finished speaking.

Castiel is the only one who remains.

"Was I not clear enough for you?" Dean says. "Get. Out."

"Did I mention," Castiel says, walking forward until he's right next to the bed, staring down at Dean with that inexplicable expression of his, "that I can cure your hang-over?"

"Why haven't you offered before?" Dean growls, because it's not like this is the first time Castiel has seen Dean the morning after a bender.

"You didn't ask." Castiel sits on the bed and leans close to Dean, stopping mere inches away like he's waiting for permission. Dean almost considers telling him to fuck off, but—

"I'm asking."

Instead of the expected two fingers, Castiel places his lips gently against Dean's forehead, chapped and dry and somehow still kind of soft, and just like that, the jackhammers are exiled, the light loses its stabbing quality, and Dean's head feels clear again. Castiel pulls back just enough to look at Dean, and he's really looking, like he sees Dean down to the soul—and knowing Castiel, he does—and whatever he sees there is enough, must be the answer he's seeking, because he leans forward again, lips brushing against Dean's own this time. Dean doesn't stop him, can't bring himself to stop him, and instead makes a noise low in his throat in response, reaches up to grip Castiel's shoulder and pull him down to Dean's level.

After a moment, Dean pulls back enough to say, "So you're—this is—you want—" Dean trails off awkwardly.

Castiel takes apparent pity on him and says, "I don't need you to be my angel condom, Dean." He leans in so close that Dean can feel each puff of air against his lips, and Castiel's eyelids are half-lowered, pupils blown and eyes fixed on Dean like he can't bring himself to look away. "But I would not object to a little Biblical lowering of our own."

For the first time this morning, Dean finds himself faced with an angelic proposition he can't say no to.

(It's Gabriel's fault, but in the end, for once, Dean doesn't mind.)

Date: 2010-03-27 04:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] harper47.livejournal.com
I'm giggling wildly. You know I can actually see this happening. So very Dean. And I love the phrase "biblical lowering". Hee!

Thanks for a very fun read.

Date: 2010-03-27 11:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! Sam coins some of the best phrases.

Date: 2010-03-27 05:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redheadaholic.livejournal.com
This is hilarious. And sweet. Which is kind of an awesome combo!

Date: 2010-03-27 11:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
It is a combination I definitely love. Thank you for reading!

Date: 2010-03-27 05:29 pm (UTC)
ext_383752: (Castiel - Fallen Angel)
From: [identity profile] crimson-antics.livejournal.com
Oh, how I love this xD &hearts.

Date: 2010-03-27 11:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! ♥

Date: 2010-03-27 05:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] supernaturalcsi.livejournal.com
LOL! That was great! I love how Cas got rid of Dean's hangover just by kissing his forehead. :)

Date: 2010-03-27 11:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! Glad it worked for you. :D

Date: 2010-03-27 05:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cherryshadowz.livejournal.com
Hehehe, I love Sam turning Gabriel down. I can see him pouting too. This whole story cracked me up from the first paragraph's asshole ambassador and ass oclock to Sam's "Wait whut?" and Zachariah, Sam and Gabriel trying to discuss Castiel and Dean's possibilities. XD What a great way to start a day!

Date: 2010-03-27 11:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
I will leave Sam succumbing to Gabriel's wiles for another fic writer to handle. *grin*

Thank you so much!

Date: 2010-03-27 08:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mulder200.livejournal.com
After the angst of that last story, this was the perfect pick me up!

And I loved how Dean's mouth took over and said what he wanted instead of what he was thinking. And LOL at bibical lowering.

Date: 2010-03-27 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Most of my fic seems to be crack and porn, so at least you don't get hit with something like "Möbius Strip" from me too often? *wry smile*

Thank you for reading!

Date: 2010-03-27 08:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hugglewolf.livejournal.com
I <3 Biblical lowering.

Date: 2010-03-27 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! Castiel and Dean enjoy it, too. *grin*

Date: 2010-03-27 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] immovinout.livejournal.com
Fantastic! :) Had me laughing through the whole thing.

Date: 2010-03-27 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! :D

Date: 2010-03-27 09:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afortunatefew.livejournal.com
LOL! When Dean just came out with that i burst out laughing. Really funny but also quite cute :)

Date: 2010-03-27 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Poor Dean. How can he be expected to think his words through when it is so early, he is so hungover, and Gabriel is being so annoying? *grin*

Thanks for reading!

Date: 2010-03-27 09:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] phar-ahkmenrah.livejournal.com
*fangirlygigglefit* XDDDD

This is sooo cute. Angel condoms FTW...

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!! *happy dance*

Date: 2010-03-27 11:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! The idea of vessels as angel condoms is one that amuses me way, way too much.

Date: 2010-03-28 12:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] phar-ahkmenrah.livejournal.com
More than it really should, and who cares??? ITS EPIC SEXY AND FUNNY!!!! XDDDDD

Date: 2010-03-27 09:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blue-flame88.livejournal.com
So much win! :D

Date: 2010-03-27 11:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! :D

Date: 2010-03-28 12:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] siriusly-odd.livejournal.com
Biblical lowering! \o/ *giggle*

Date: 2010-03-28 04:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
It is great fun for both human and angel involved. *grin* Thanks for reading!

Sam is so funny...

Date: 2010-03-28 12:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] memnoch.livejournal.com

always in wisecrack mode *giggle*
That story is so lovely - it's just the right mixture of romance and "Biblical lowering" :-) I saved it on my hd because I like to read good stories more than once. Thanks for writing this!

Re: Sam is so funny...

Date: 2010-03-28 04:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Sam is awesome. Thank you for reading!

Date: 2010-03-28 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] darkmoon711.livejournal.com
You are made of WIN! SO MUCH WIN! I love this so hard!

Date: 2010-03-28 04:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2010-03-28 04:20 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Haahaha Dean's run on mouth and Gabe hitting on Sam... that's epic. Gabe needs to joing the team for real! and Dean's profanity-laden POV is always hilarious. I love all the crackish/funny ones so keep it coming =D

Date: 2010-03-28 04:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Gabriel is such an interesting character with so much potential that I'm really hoping they bring him back. Thank you for reading!

Date: 2010-03-28 04:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rageprufrock.livejournal.com
This story -- and Cas's magic trick with the hangover cure -- are both very important to me.

Date: 2010-03-28 04:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
As Dean well knows, Castiel's mouth is magic. Thanks for reading!

Date: 2010-03-28 07:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] defiantlygreen.livejournal.com
I AM DRAWING A HEART AROUND THIS ENTIRE FIC YES I AM ^^

Date: 2010-03-28 04:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! :D

Date: 2010-03-28 04:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] psycocatgirl.livejournal.com
Biblical lowering, indeed.

This? Hilarious and brilliant. I love how the conversation was COMPLETELY derailed by sex talk. Because in Dean's world, reality and porn are separated by SUCH a thin line. XD

Date: 2010-03-28 04:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
There's a line between reality and porn? *grin*

Thank you for reading!

Date: 2010-03-28 07:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] control-paradox.livejournal.com
Lmao, this is great. Best slip *ever*.

Date: 2010-03-29 03:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
It worked out for Dean in the end. *grin*

Thanks for reading!

Date: 2010-03-28 09:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dastiel-gal.livejournal.com
Dean's head feels like a male jackhammer and female jackhammer are having little jackhammer babies inside his skull.

I just nearly spit juice over my lappie. Great line! I've had hangovers that bad, and poor Dean really needs a little angelic help with that.

Small point, you have "the night after a bender" - shouldn't it be "the morning after"?

Date: 2010-03-29 03:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Oh, ouch, I'd hate to have one that terrible. Definite yes on the needing angelic help.

shouldn't it be "the morning after"?
Yes! My Five Days of Tuesday (plus bonus day) was conceived so late that I ended up not having enough time to go through everything with a fine tooth comb as normal or even have most of them betaed, so some strange mistakes made it through to posting. I appreciate your pointing it out.

Thanks for reading!

Date: 2010-03-29 10:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] supernatchluvr.livejournal.com
BIBLICAL LOWERING!! I love it!

Date: 2010-03-29 03:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
I love your icon. :D

Thanks for reading!

Date: 2010-04-08 02:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] princess-aleera.livejournal.com
Ahaha, hilarious <3

Date: 2010-04-10 12:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you! ♥

Date: 2010-04-10 10:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] weltea.livejournal.com
THIS!!! XD

Date: 2010-04-10 11:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuesdayfic.livejournal.com
Thank you!

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